Who Comes First: Partner or Kids?

Ask a therapist — and mother of seven—how to prioritize

QUESTION: My girlfriend is upset that I put my kids before her. I’m doing the right thing, right?

Did you leave her in the cab? (Image credit: coastguard.dodlive.mil)

First, congratulations on being a stand-up parent. There aren’t enough of you in the world, so round of applause. But are you entirely right to put your kids first? Let me ask you a few questions, because the answer’s not as simple as you might think.

Pandemic politeness - How to say ‘back off’ without getting punched

There you are, walking Fido and staying in your own lane, when you hear “Oh, what a cute dog!” … and cringe. Because the next step in this dance is that a complete stranger walks over and pets your pooch.

Bad enough in normal times, but in pandemia, it’s potentially lethal.

Step away from the dog. 

(Image by Simone Dalmeri on Unsplash)

Or an oblivious neighbor, a distant acquaintance, or a fellow shopper strikes up a conversation and stands much too close. The pizza delivery guy, waiting for a tip, licks his fingers before handing you a receipt. 

What to do?

The Words Your Upset Wife Needs to Hear

Not to be sexist, but…

My father is an inch shorter than my 6-foot 2-inch (188cm) mother. Despite the example of grandma and grandpa, though, amongst my siblings and our many children, nearly every opposite-sex attachment has involved taller males connecting with shorter females. My tall daughter shudders — literally — at the idea of dating average-height men.

Lesson? I’m not confident socialization is the most compelling explanation for gendered differences.

It’ll never work out. (Image credit: pxfuel.com)

Here’s my theory: There’s something fascinating and compelling about people who aren’t us. Perhaps that’s part of the reason most humans are drawn to people of the other sex: They’re mysterious, and mystery is interesting.

But here’s the thing about that mystery. While it’s interesting, it also leads to confusion and misunderstanding…and quite often, hurt feelings.

How to Stop Getting Sucked In

When Jessica* got online with me, she was nearly in tears. Her husband was furious with her, and she was ready to give in.

What should I do? 

(image credit: 

publicdomainvectors.org)

“What should I do?” she asked.

“He wants to buy more toys?” This wasn’t our first conversation about her spendthrift partner.

“Yep. Another set of golf clubs. Even though he already has a set.”

“And he wants to take the money from…?”

“From the money I’m saving to replace my tires. He says the tires aren’t that bad.”

“So, when you disagreed?” 

“At first, he was trying to be nice about it, but when I didn’t agree, he started shouting that I’m a selfish, controlling bitch.”

Are we having (dys)fun(ction) yet?

How well does your family function? Are you all quite fond of one another, or are one or more family members contemplating airing the family problems on an upcoming episode of Dr. Phil?

Bet you'd quit fighting if a bear suddenly showed up!
(Image credit: Flickr)

Here's a quick one-question test to determine whether your family is functional, or dysfunctional. Ready? Here it goes:

Where's the enemy?

Are members of your family causing

The Fast Fix for Spinning Thoughts

When emotions overwhelm, don’t word vomit. List vomit.

I have an acquaintance who is married to the idea that she has a right — a right, I tell you — to unload on her partner whenever she’s upset.

Her fourth marriage is on the rocks.

What did shouting ever get you? (Image credit: frank mckenna on Unsplash)

I’ve shared with her the research(1) that says venting is a terrible coping strategy. (Incidentally, so are self-blame, denial, withdrawing, and using social support — ie, gossiping.) But she’s so angry, so often, that she never gets to the three effective coping strategies: positive reframing, acceptance, and humor.

How to Pick a Counselor — And Bypass the Bullies and Buffoons

Do I need a psychotherapist, a regular therapist, a psychiatrist, a counselor, a psychologist, a sociologist, a life coach, or arggh!

Who ya gonna call? 

(Image credit: pikrepo.com)

Say you need a mental-health professional.

Who you gonna call?

Choosing is easier than you might think. Here’s help. 

We start by introducing a few terms you should know before hiring a therapist, then list the five kinds of therapists. Then we help you decide whether the one you’re considering is any good.

(We also describe a few other

You’re Not Wrong. And Neither Is Your Partner

Here’s how to stop treating your marriage as a zero-sum game

Everybody gets one housekeeping pet peeve, and here’s mine: Stuff left in the sink. My husband’s pet peeve is: Stuff left on the counter. 

Just…no. (Image credit: StockSnap at pixabay.com)

OBVIOUSLY, I’m right. I cite as my authority: Sink Reflections, the organizational book that make Marie Kondo look like a rank amateur.* This is me: “Sinks are work areas, not storage bins. How do I fill the water pitcher when there are dishes in the sink? I’m just gonna set this stuff over here to the side and…”

His authority? “I just installed this counter. Don’t ruin good butcher block!”

Which Ugly Kind of Jealous Are You?

Consumed by the green-eyed monster? There’s a better option.

Until I landed in Europe, I lived just one town south of earth’s two richest humans. Gotta admit: It was sometimes a struggle to keep envy in check.(Hubby and I moved from our Seattle ’burb to a Paris ’burb last year. Now our neighbors down the road are only earth’s third-richest human, and earth’s richest woman. So much better.)

Of all the ways people differ from animals, this may be the most telling: We human folk can get really strong, dark, even obsessive feelings when we notice that other people have what we don’t. (Sure, animals steal one another’s food — I’m looking at you, crows — but they don’t spend months or years suffering, plotting, and gloating over it.)

Just Say Yes -- To Everything. Including Your Kids.

Why start on a down note? 

(Image credit: needpix.com)

The Black-Belt Communication series provides step-by-step tools and scripts for solving all of life’s communication problems. In this episode, we solve relationship negativity.

Have people stopped inviting you to events? Is nobody asking your opinion about anything? Do you call yourself a “realist”?* Have two or more people used any of the following words to describe you: cynical, no fun, downer, pessimistic, too busy, defeatist, never has time?

Hey, Negative Nancy and Problem Pete: We need to talk.

Two Ideas Will Change Your World

Who knew language could be 

so surprising? (Photo credit: 

Josh Engroff, 2012)

A casual comment dropped at church blew my mind

One of the many wonderful things about living abroad is this: New language; new thoughts.

We now live in France, my hubby and I. And so the church services we attend are conducted in French. 

My nascent French requires me to mechanically translate each word of the service. I don’t catch everything. But I do seem to learn at least one useful thing from any given homily. F’instance:

Twelve Things to Do This Christmas Besides Gossip

What good’s a family gathering 

without a little family gossip? 

(Image courtesy of 

Tophee Marquez from Pexels)

Spread some holiday holiness by being better than before

Merry Christmas. Did you hear about Uncle Frank? Also, I just saw what Trump said to Pelosi…Wait till you read this!

Yay! Another family gathering where everyone not in the room is on the menu. Who needs roast beef when we can chew up the reputation of absent Cousin Drew? Why mash potatoes when we can smash celebrities and politicians?

The Beauty of the Four-Sentence Cover Story

How to hold on to your privacy without severing relationships

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

I have an uncomfortable secret, and no, I don’t want to tell you about it. But we’re friends, and aren’t friends supposed to tell each other everything?

Or worse, we’re not friends, but you’re nosy, we work together, and if I don’t spill, you’ll bitch-shame me to our colleagues and persuade them I’m not a team player.

What to do?

Rip Up the Dark Web of Narcissism

Rip up the Narc Web

One of our therapeutic specialties is combating narcissism. We’ve studied the behavior for years and are particularly concerned with the large number of adult children of narcissists who come in to our practice in deep pain over problems with their family of origin.

What's most surprising is

Watch Out for Human Projectors

Is it true, or are you projecting?

For good or bad, humans tend to believe other people are like themselves. If they say most people cheat or lie, they’re projecting. If they say most people are honest or generous, it’s likely they, themselves, have those qualities.

If you generally believe the best of people, be cautious about surrounding yourself with people who reflexively think the worst of others.

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Click here to be notified when our book, The AiKi of Self-Awareness: How a Therapist Uses Emotional Intelligence to Heal Marriages, is available.

Research source:
Wood, D., Harms, P., & Vazire, S. (2010). Perceiver effects as projective tests: What your perceptions of others say about you. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 99(1), 174-190. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/a0019390

A Rash of Rashness

When we counsel clients in difficult relationships, one of the curious patterns we see is a tendency toward impulsivity. We've seen it so often, in fact, that we've begun to believe it may be the most malignant of all relationship behaviors. 

Impulsivity: The Root of Regret. 
Considered Decisions Bring Joy.

Impulsive people say and do hurtful things to the people they love, and tend to suffer problems at work, with law enforcement, and in completing projects. If you look back at your own regrets, you'll likely find that nearly all of them arose out of an impulsive act.

When people are able to master their impulsivity, wonderful things start to occur in their marriages: Escalation ends, hearing happens, defensiveness discontinues, and intimacy is initiated.

New research backs us up. A study out of the University of Georgia finds that among married couples, there is a significant correlation between high levels of impulsiveness, and low levels of marital satisfaction and commitment. Impulsivity is also correlated with high levels of verbal aggression.(1)  

Bottom line? Slowing down is a fast fix for many relationship problems. And it's a fairly easy correction: Just take a deep breath, think carefully before you speak, and watch intimacy grow! 

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(1) Lavner, J. A., Lamkin, J., & Miller, J. D. (2017). Trait Impulsivity and Newlyweds' Marital Trajectories. Journal of Personality Disorders, 31(1), 133-144. doi:10.1521/pedi_2016_30_242

Optimism: The Happy Fix for Stress and PTSD

Happy and you know it? Congrats! New research out this month demonstrates, once again, the power of optimism to make life better. One new study shows that after traumatic events, optimistic people are better equipped to cope with intrusive thoughts and anxiety, and -- unlike their pessimistic peers -- don't develop avoidance, numbing, or "dysphoric arousal." (1)

Pronoia: The Optimistic Belief that People 
Like You, and Conspire in Your Favor

Another new study finds when performing stressful tasks, optimistic people are better at perseverance, and also have lower levels of the stress hormone, cortisol. (Lower levels of cortisol are correlated with happiness and positive affect.) (2)

So jump on the positivity bandwagon to stay happy and healthy!

(1) Birkeland, M. S., Blix, I., Solberg, Ø., & Heir, T. (2017). Does optimism act as a buffer against posttraumatic stress over time? A longitudinal study of the protective role of optimism after the 2011 Oslo bombing. Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice, And Policy, 9(2), 207-213. doi:10.1037/tra0000188

(2) Binsch, O., Van Wietmarschen, H., & Buick, F. (2017). Relationships between cortisol, optimism, and perseverance measured in two military settings. Military Psychology, 29(2), 99-116. doi:10.1037/mil0000146

Martial Arts for the Mind - say, what?

What do we mean by the term "Martial Arts for the Mind"™?

Know nothing at all about martial arts? Oh, c'mon. You've seen a Jackie Chan movie, right? No? How 'bout the Karate Kid? Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon? Kung Fu Panda?

Even if movies were your only exposure to the martial arts, you probably already understand some basic principles of the form.

The martial arts are philosophically grounded in theories about awareness, predictive moves, and stepping away from trouble. AiKiDo, the model we reference in AiKi Relationship Training, is particularly focused on ideas such as resisting the natural tendency to defend in the same way we're attacked. Our AiKi technique teaches communication moves such as pulling when pushed, or pushing when pulled, or -- best of all -- stepping aside to avoid relational conflict altogether.

AiKi Relationship Training coaches you in techniques to sidestep verbal attacks, avoid quarrels over silly nonsense, and tackle problems without triggering your partner.

It's a mind thing

You want to play Neo in your own life? Stay tuned to the AiKi Relationship Training channel, and we'll show you how!

An end of fighting? Really?

Well, yeah, actually.

Sometimes, when we promise clients they can actually stop fighting, forever, and build marital intimacy,* they look at us skeptically...Almost as if fighting and intimacy go hand-in-hand, rather than contradict one another.

But here's the cycle we observe with clients who use our technique: Friendship. Peace. Laughter. Intimacy. Joy. More friendship. More peace. More laughter. More intimacy. More joy.

There's a process we can get behind. Therapeutically, that is.

_____

*Intimacy: It's not necessarily a euphemism for sex. (Well, it can be. But not here, not in front of the children, please.)

What is this "AiKi" Thing?

What's the story with that weird "AiKi" word at the top of the page?

Well, set yerself down fer' a spell, and let us spin ya' a yarn:

The character 合 (pronounced Hé in Mandarin, Hap⁶ in Cantonese, and Ai (eye) in Japanese) means to join, to blend, to combine, to fit together. 

The character 氣 (pronounced Qì/Chì in Mandarin, Hei³ in Cantonese, and Ki (key) in Japanese) suggests spirit, life force, energy, breath. (This idea equates with the Hebrew word נִשְׁמַת־, nishmah, which means breath/air/spirit, and describes the life force breathed into the creation of mankind in the book of Genesis.)

Together, those two characters, Ai and Ki (eye key), suggest joining the spirit, relational harmony, and interacting with another human being, without conflict. That concept of AiKi means blending without clashing, having intimate connection without triggering your partner. 

It's the foundation of our communication training program.