How to Stop Escalation

People who operate from principles have an easier time of staying calm in the face of provocation than people who don't yet have clearly enunciated principles. 

Here's an example of a principle-based skript. The two principles at play here are: 

1. I don't argue electronically.

2. I won't be shouted at.

In this exchange, the other party might -- or might not -- stay angry, but the assurance that a conversation will happen at a named time goes a long way toward calming the storm. 

How would you respond? Comment on our Facebook page! 

Principle-based skripts create boundaries.

Les scripts basés sur des principes créent des limites.

TheRelationship.Institute

How to Solve a Problem

This problem-solving strategy is named after the idea that, given enough time, a room full of monkeys with typewriters would write all the books in the British Museum. 

The monkeys-and-typewriters analogy gets a lot of play, doesn't it? Type your response on our Facebook page! 

British Museum Algorithm

When trying to solve a problem, this technique involves trying one solution after another, starting with solutions that have the fewest steps.

Algorithme du British Museum

Lorsque vous essayez de résoudre un problème, cette technique consiste à essayer une solution après l'autre, en commençant par les solutions qui comportent le moins d'étapes.

TheRelationship.Institute

How to Dance Your Way to Mental Health

I've not yet seen it in action, but I imagine Dance Therapy would also be helpful in addressing social anxiety. 

Does Dance Therapy seem to you like a useful path to mental health? Tell us why on our Facebook page! 

Dance Therapy

A therapeutic technique that uses rhythmic movement and music to help clients gain greater body awareness and improve social interactions.

(Introduced by U.S. dance professional Marian Chace in 1942)

Danse-thérapie

Une technique thérapeutique qui utilise le mouvement rythmique et la musique pour aider les clients à acquérir une plus grande conscience de leur corps et à améliorer les interactions sociales.

(Introduit par la professionnelle de la danse américaine Marian Chace en 1942)

TheRelationship.Institute

Why The Man Thought He Was a Hat

Appersonation is a disorder different from impersonation, because the sufferer truly believes the delusion. Delusions are sometimes caused by stress, though often by a medical, mental, or neurological condition. But they're deeply believed by the sufferer.

Has stress caused you to question reality? De-stress on our Facebook page! 

Appersonation

The delusional belief that one is another person (usually famous) or object, which leads to taking on their characteristics. 

Appersonnification

La croyance délirante que l'on est une autre personne (généralement célèbre) ou un objet, ce qui conduit à adopter ses caractéristiques.

TheRelationship.Institute

Why Aggression is Illegal

Scaring people is a crime -- at least, when you cause them to believe you'll hurt them. Assault is aggressive behavior, and a crime in its own right. 

The case of Vetter v. Morgan is an interesting read, and worth understanding if you yourself have ever been the victim of road rage or bullying. Should bullies go to jail for instilling fear in their victims? Thoughts? Debate it on our Facebook page! 

Assault and Battery

Not the same things. Battery involves actual physical harm to another person; Assault means causing a person to fear imminent harm. 

Citation: Vetter v. Morgan, 913 P.2d 1200 (1995)

Aggression et Batterie

Pas les mêmes choses. La batterie implique un préjudice physique réel à une autre personne ; Agression signifie faire craindre à une personne un préjudice imminent.

Référence : Vetter c. Morgan, 913 P.2d 1200 (1995)

TheRelationship.Institute

Why Fear Wastes Time

 You are literally the scariest thing you can imagine. What else is there to fear? (FDR said it best: "There is nothing to fear but fear itself.")

Happy Halloween!

You're just a ghost, driving a skeleton draped in rotting meat to its death. Are other people's opinions really so scary?

Vous n'êtes qu'un fantôme, conduisant à sa mort un squelette drapé de viande pourrie. Les opinions des autres sont-elles vraiment si effrayantes ?

TheRelationship.Institute

Why You Laugh After Fear

Arousal jags: They may explain your love of scary movies, roller coasters, and comedy. Laughter is a common method of releasing internal tension. Have you found yourself laughing at the wrong time?

Amuse us on our Facebook page! 

Arousal Jag

When tension rises, followed by a sudden fall, often accompanied by laughter. The pleasurable response may come from the quick drop from high levels of arousal to lower, more acceptable levels. 

--One more way laughter is the best medicine

Jag d'excitation

Lorsque la tension monte, suivie d'une chute soudaine, souvent accompagnée de rires. La réponse agréable peut provenir de la chute rapide de niveaux élevés d'excitation à des niveaux plus bas et plus acceptables.

--Une autre façon dont le rire est le meilleur remède

TheRelationship.Institute

How to Win at Failure

 I love the term "growth opportunity." It motivates me to find lessons in, to learn from, difficult circumstances. 

Was there a time an apparent setback led to a better outcome for you? Share it on our Facebook page! 

"There is no such thing as failure. What other people label...failure, I have learned is just God’s way of pointing you in a new direction."

--Oprah Winfrey, 2007 Howard University commencement address

"L'échec n'existe pas. Ce que les autres appellent... l'échec, j'ai appris qu'il s'agit simplement de la façon dont Dieu vous oriente dans une nouvelle direction."

--Oprah Winfrey, discours d'ouverture de l'Université Howard en 2007

TheRelationship.Institute

How to Slow Down Arguments

Disagreement erupts into wars when people get triggered. Slowing down, buying time, is key to maintaining peace. 

What do you say that calms triggered people?

We welcome your shares on our Facebook page! 

How to Pause

Someone says something outrageous? Slow it down with: 

"Hmmm. Interesting. So what you're saying is..."

Comment mettre en pause

Quelqu'un dit quelque chose de scandaleux ? Ralentissez avec :

"Hmmm. Intéressant. Donc ce que tu dis, c'est..."

TheRelationship.Institute

Why Our Brains Lie to Us

Here's the truth: People who change their beliefs to match their behavior have lied to themselves until they found a sufficient excuse to do what they wanted. Nobody has to change their beliefs to match good behavior.

Does your brain ever lie to you? Confessions invited on our Facebook page! 

Cognitive Dissonance

When what you do doesn't match what you believe. It's unsustainable. To relieve internal tension, either the behavior will change, or the beliefs will. 

Dissonance cognitive

Quand ce que vous faites ne correspond pas à ce que vous croyez, c'est insoutenable. Pour soulager la tension interne, soit le comportement changera, soit les croyances le feront.

TheRelationship.Institute

How to Spot Relationship Triangulation

Triangulation happens in therapy, too, where people try to draw the therapist into taking sides. Therapeutic side-taking is sometimes helpful, so long as the counselor is intentional, skillful, and not subject to manipulation.

Ever seen kids try to get between their parents? How did you respond? Please share on our Facebook page! 

Triangulation

When two family or group members in conflict each attempt to draw another person to their side. Kids triangulate parents all the time, but it's especially destructive when parents in conflict catch a child in the middle. 

Triangulation

Lorsque deux membres de la famille ou du groupe en conflit tentent chacun d'attirer une autre personne à leurs côtés. Les enfants triangulent tout le temps leurs parents, mais c'est particulièrement destructeur lorsque des parents en conflit attrapent un enfant au milieu.

TheRelationship.Institute

Why Senior Moments Are Not a Warning

"Senior moments" have an actual name: Benign Senescence. 

My theory: Your brain can only store so much information in RAM, but your ROM is ridiculously good at holding on to stored data like your childhood phone number. The good news, though, is that forgetting is normal, not a sign of looming Alzheimer's. 

Got a dumb senior moment you're itching to share?

Would love to read about it on our Facebook page! 

Alternate names for Benign Senescence: Age-associated memory impairment (AAMI) or benign senescent forgetfulness. 

And for non-techies, RAM is random-access, or short-term, memory; ROM is read-only, or long-term, memory.

Benign Senescence

Brief memory impairments related to aging. Happens when trying to remember or learn new information, rather than recalling long-standing memories. Not linked to dementia.

Sénescence bénigne

Brèves troubles de la mémoire liés au vieillissement. Se produit lorsque vous essayez de vous souvenir ou d'apprendre de nouvelles informations, plutôt que de rappeler des souvenirs de longue date. Non lié à la démence.

TheRelationship.Institute

How Jury Nullification Works

 Jury nullification can also happen when juries dislike a prosecutor, or when the person filing a civil lawsuit is unlikeable.

Has there been a time you faced a tough decision as a juror?

Visit our Facebook page to share! 

Jury Nullification

When juries acquit people who definitely committed a crime. It happens if jury members think a conviction would be unfair or or would result in a harsh sentence they don'tt want to be connected with.

Citation: Crown v. John Peter Zenger, 1735  

Annulation par le jury

Quand les jurys acquittent des personnes qui ont définitivement commis un crime. Cela se produit si les membres du jury estiment qu'une condamnation serait injuste ou entraînerait une peine sévère à laquelle ils ne veulent pas être associés.

TheRelationship.Institute

How Good People Go Bad

The Lucifer Effect is a weird one! One example of this corrupting effect: The 1971 Stanford Prison Experiment, where participants randomly assigned to "guard" other participants became brutal. 

Have you witnessed people abusing small amounts of power? Comment on our Facebook page! 

Lucifer Effect

When unfair social conditions adversely alter human behavior. In this phenomenon, even moral people can be persuaded to act dishonorably and unethically by corrupting circumstances.

L'effet Lucifer

Lorsque des conditions sociales injustes modifient négativement le comportement humain. Dans ce phénomène, même les personnes éthiques peuvent être persuadées d'agir de manière déshonorante et contraire à l'éthique en corrompant les circonstances.

TheRelationship.Institute

How Happiness Arrives

We sometimes pursue momentary happiness at the expense of profound joy -- which comes not of consumption and chaos, but of relational connection, creative accomplishment, meaningful service, harmonious living, and earned wisdom.

"The purpose of life is not to be happy—but to matter, to be productive, to be useful, to have it make some difference that you lived at all."

― Leo Rosten

"Le but de la vie n'est pas d'être heureux, mais d'avoir de l'importance, d'être productif, d'être utile, de faire en sorte que cela fasse une différence que vous ayez vécu."

- Léo Rosten

TheRelationship.Institute

How to Say 'No'

 No need to make excuses when you turn someone down. It's all about the gentle tone and regretful facial expression.

How to say 'no'

Need to decline an offer without feeling like a jerk? Try this: 'I wish I could, but I can't.' Smile regretfully, and change the topic.

Why Disciplined Homes Help Kids

 Children thrive in loving homes. It's science.

The Brooklands Experiment

A 1960s UK study that moved children with severe intellectual disabilities from institutions to homelike familial living situations. Those moved to Brooklands improved in many areas; those who stayed behind languished.

Nothing's better than a loving home

Nurture•Cherish•Love

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)

 Looking for therapy that works for you? It's Therapy Thursday, where we introduce an interesting approach to psychotherapy, and invite your thoughts, experiences, and concerns. What approach to therapy has worked for you, a friend, or a family member? Tell us on our Facebook page.

Acceptance and Committment Therapy

ACT proposes that using ineffective tools to restrain your emotions and thoughts causes problems. ACT helps you accept your failings, and commit to your values and goals, to live a better life.

Find the therapeutic approach that fits your personality

On Secondary Gain

 If you battle mental illness, know the risk and push back. Don't allow secondary gain to prolong your pain. How do you stay centered and emotionally resilient when tough moments pull you down? Visit our Facebook page to share.

Advantage by Illness (aka Secondary Gain)

A benefit from mental illness. The APA lists 'extra attention, sympathy, avoidance of work, and domination of others,' all of which can prolong illness and create therapeutic resistance. (It's 'secondary' because it comes from others, not simply from relief of internal conflict.)

What makes us tick

Aging's not the end

 Over 40? The Age Discrimination in Employment Act of 1967 may impact you. If you've been, or known, somebody wrongly fired or laid off from a job, jump to our Facebook page to comment!

Know your rights

When a layoff hurts older workers, it's the employer, not the employee, who has to prove the action wasn't based on age discrimination. If you're a US employee older than 40, working for an interstate employer, the ADEA protects you.

Meacham v. Knolls Atomic Power Lab, 554 U.S. 84 (2008)

Sturm und Drang

 School's in session and teens are overwhelmed. How does your family soften the Sturm und Drang of adolescence? Jump to our Facebook page to comment!

Sturm und Drang

“Storm and stress”, a German term that describes the emotional turmoil of adolescence. One writer aptly called adolescence a "turbulent transition from savagery to civilization."

Parenting teenagers is hard work. Now you know why.

Commune: It's Your Superpower

Have any tips for helping kids (or adults) manage anxiety? 

Jump to our Facebook page and comment!Commune. It's your superpower.Do not worry about anything, but in everything, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God.Philippians 4:6-7

Go ahead and storm off

Walking calms several uncomfortable reactions, but stomping off your fury is one of the most efficient ways to get past anger.

And there's a specific technique for doing it without further provoking the person you're angry with. Watch this space. (Or book an appointment with us and learn the right scripts today.)

Venting: It's just not healthy

Just venting? Despite popular belief, turns out it's not healthy. At all. The research says it reinforces and exaggerates one's negative beliefs.

And worst of all? It disconnects you from the people you're trying to communicate with. They shut down their rational brain and go into fight or flight.

Better strategy? Breathing so deeply that it activates the vagus nerve -- the one that regulates the parasympathetic nervous system and impacts everything...including immune response. It'll calm you down, help you think calmly and rationally, and quiet the impulse to raise your voice.

Who Comes First: Partner or Kids?

Ask a therapist — and mother of seven—how to prioritize

QUESTION: My girlfriend is upset that I put my kids before her. I’m doing the right thing, right?

Did you leave her in the cab? (Image credit: coastguard.dodlive.mil)

First, congratulations on being a stand-up parent. There aren’t enough of you in the world, so round of applause. But are you entirely right to put your kids first? Let me ask you a few questions, because the answer’s not as simple as you might think.

Pandemic politeness - How to say ‘back off’ without getting punched

There you are, walking Fido and staying in your own lane, when you hear “Oh, what a cute dog!” … and cringe. Because the next step in this dance is that a complete stranger walks over and pets your pooch.

Bad enough in normal times, but in pandemia, it’s potentially lethal.

Step away from the dog. 

(Image by Simone Dalmeri on Unsplash)

Or an oblivious neighbor, a distant acquaintance, or a fellow shopper strikes up a conversation and stands much too close. The pizza delivery guy, waiting for a tip, licks his fingers before handing you a receipt. 

What to do?

The Words Your Upset Wife Needs to Hear

Not to be sexist, but…

My father is an inch shorter than my 6-foot 2-inch (188cm) mother. Despite the example of grandma and grandpa, though, amongst my siblings and our many children, nearly every opposite-sex attachment has involved taller males connecting with shorter females. My tall daughter shudders — literally — at the idea of dating average-height men.

Lesson? I’m not confident socialization is the most compelling explanation for gendered differences.

It’ll never work out. (Image credit: pxfuel.com)

Here’s my theory: There’s something fascinating and compelling about people who aren’t us. Perhaps that’s part of the reason most humans are drawn to people of the other sex: They’re mysterious, and mystery is interesting.

But here’s the thing about that mystery. While it’s interesting, it also leads to confusion and misunderstanding…and quite often, hurt feelings.

How to Stop Getting Sucked In

When Jessica* got online with me, she was nearly in tears. Her husband was furious with her, and she was ready to give in.

What should I do? 

(image credit: 

publicdomainvectors.org)

“What should I do?” she asked.

“He wants to buy more toys?” This wasn’t our first conversation about her spendthrift partner.

“Yep. Another set of golf clubs. Even though he already has a set.”

“And he wants to take the money from…?”

“From the money I’m saving to replace my tires. He says the tires aren’t that bad.”

“So, when you disagreed?” 

“At first, he was trying to be nice about it, but when I didn’t agree, he started shouting that I’m a selfish, controlling bitch.”

Are we having (dys)fun(ction) yet?

How well does your family function? Are you all quite fond of one another, or are one or more family members contemplating airing the family problems on an upcoming episode of Dr. Phil?

Bet you'd quit fighting if a bear suddenly showed up!
(Image credit: Flickr)

Here's a quick one-question test to determine whether your family is functional, or dysfunctional. Ready? Here it goes:

Where's the enemy?

Are members of your family causing

The Fast Fix for Spinning Thoughts

When emotions overwhelm, don’t word vomit. List vomit.

I have an acquaintance who is married to the idea that she has a right — a right, I tell you — to unload on her partner whenever she’s upset.

Her fourth marriage is on the rocks.

What did shouting ever get you? (Image credit: frank mckenna on Unsplash)

I’ve shared with her the research(1) that says venting is a terrible coping strategy. (Incidentally, so are self-blame, denial, withdrawing, and using social support — ie, gossiping.) But she’s so angry, so often, that she never gets to the three effective coping strategies: positive reframing, acceptance, and humor.

How to Pick a Counselor — And Bypass the Bullies and Buffoons

Do I need a psychotherapist, a regular therapist, a psychiatrist, a counselor, a psychologist, a sociologist, a life coach, or arggh!

Who ya gonna call? 

(Image credit: pikrepo.com)

Say you need a mental-health professional.

Who you gonna call?

Choosing is easier than you might think. Here’s help. 

We start by introducing a few terms you should know before hiring a therapist, then list the five kinds of therapists. Then we help you decide whether the one you’re considering is any good.

(We also describe a few other

You’re Not Wrong. And Neither Is Your Partner

Here’s how to stop treating your marriage as a zero-sum game

Everybody gets one housekeeping pet peeve, and here’s mine: Stuff left in the sink. My husband’s pet peeve is: Stuff left on the counter. 

Just…no. (Image credit: StockSnap at pixabay.com)

OBVIOUSLY, I’m right. I cite as my authority: Sink Reflections, the organizational book that make Marie Kondo look like a rank amateur.* This is me: “Sinks are work areas, not storage bins. How do I fill the water pitcher when there are dishes in the sink? I’m just gonna set this stuff over here to the side and…”

His authority? “I just installed this counter. Don’t ruin good butcher block!”

Which Ugly Kind of Jealous Are You?

Consumed by the green-eyed monster? There’s a better option.

Until I landed in Europe, I lived just one town south of earth’s two richest humans. Gotta admit: It was sometimes a struggle to keep envy in check.(Hubby and I moved from our Seattle ’burb to a Paris ’burb last year. Now our neighbors down the road are only earth’s third-richest human, and earth’s richest woman. So much better.)

Of all the ways people differ from animals, this may be the most telling: We human folk can get really strong, dark, even obsessive feelings when we notice that other people have what we don’t. (Sure, animals steal one another’s food — I’m looking at you, crows — but they don’t spend months or years suffering, plotting, and gloating over it.)

Just Say Yes -- To Everything. Including Your Kids.

Why start on a down note? 

(Image credit: needpix.com)

The Black-Belt Communication series provides step-by-step tools and scripts for solving all of life’s communication problems. In this episode, we solve relationship negativity.

Have people stopped inviting you to events? Is nobody asking your opinion about anything? Do you call yourself a “realist”?* Have two or more people used any of the following words to describe you: cynical, no fun, downer, pessimistic, too busy, defeatist, never has time?

Hey, Negative Nancy and Problem Pete: We need to talk.

Two Ideas Will Change Your World

Who knew language could be 

so surprising? (Photo credit: 

Josh Engroff, 2012)

A casual comment dropped at church blew my mind

One of the many wonderful things about living abroad is this: New language; new thoughts.

We now live in France, my hubby and I. And so the church services we attend are conducted in French. 

My nascent French requires me to mechanically translate each word of the service. I don’t catch everything. But I do seem to learn at least one useful thing from any given homily. F’instance:

Twelve Things to Do This Christmas Besides Gossip

What good’s a family gathering 

without a little family gossip? 

(Image courtesy of 

Tophee Marquez from Pexels)

Spread some holiday holiness by being better than before

Merry Christmas. Did you hear about Uncle Frank? Also, I just saw what Trump said to Pelosi…Wait till you read this!

Yay! Another family gathering where everyone not in the room is on the menu. Who needs roast beef when we can chew up the reputation of absent Cousin Drew? Why mash potatoes when we can smash celebrities and politicians?

The Beauty of the Four-Sentence Cover Story

How to hold on to your privacy without severing relationships

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

I have an uncomfortable secret, and no, I don’t want to tell you about it. But we’re friends, and aren’t friends supposed to tell each other everything?

Or worse, we’re not friends, but you’re nosy, we work together, and if I don’t spill, you’ll bitch-shame me to our colleagues and persuade them I’m not a team player.

What to do?

Rip Up the Dark Web of Narcissism

Rip up the Narc Web

One of our therapeutic specialties is combating narcissism. We’ve studied the behavior for years and are particularly concerned with the large number of adult children of narcissists who come in to our practice in deep pain over problems with their family of origin.

What's most surprising is

Watch Out for Human Projectors

Is it true, or are you projecting?

For good or bad, humans tend to believe other people are like themselves. If they say most people cheat or lie, they’re projecting. If they say most people are honest or generous, it’s likely they, themselves, have those qualities.

If you generally believe the best of people, be cautious about surrounding yourself with people who reflexively think the worst of others.

* * *

Click here to be notified when our book, The AiKi of Self-Awareness: How a Therapist Uses Emotional Intelligence to Heal Marriages, is available.

Research source:
Wood, D., Harms, P., & Vazire, S. (2010). Perceiver effects as projective tests: What your perceptions of others say about you. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 99(1), 174-190. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/a0019390

A Rash of Rashness

When we counsel clients in difficult relationships, one of the curious patterns we see is a tendency toward impulsivity. We've seen it so often, in fact, that we've begun to believe it may be the most malignant of all relationship behaviors. 

Impulsivity: The Root of Regret. 
Considered Decisions Bring Joy.

Impulsive people say and do hurtful things to the people they love, and tend to suffer problems at work, with law enforcement, and in completing projects. If you look back at your own regrets, you'll likely find that nearly all of them arose out of an impulsive act.

When people are able to master their impulsivity, wonderful things start to occur in their marriages: Escalation ends, hearing happens, defensiveness discontinues, and intimacy is initiated.

New research backs us up. A study out of the University of Georgia finds that among married couples, there is a significant correlation between high levels of impulsiveness, and low levels of marital satisfaction and commitment. Impulsivity is also correlated with high levels of verbal aggression.(1)  

Bottom line? Slowing down is a fast fix for many relationship problems. And it's a fairly easy correction: Just take a deep breath, think carefully before you speak, and watch intimacy grow! 

-----

(1) Lavner, J. A., Lamkin, J., & Miller, J. D. (2017). Trait Impulsivity and Newlyweds' Marital Trajectories. Journal of Personality Disorders, 31(1), 133-144. doi:10.1521/pedi_2016_30_242

Optimism: The Happy Fix for Stress and PTSD

Happy and you know it? Congrats! New research out this month demonstrates, once again, the power of optimism to make life better. One new study shows that after traumatic events, optimistic people are better equipped to cope with intrusive thoughts and anxiety, and -- unlike their pessimistic peers -- don't develop avoidance, numbing, or "dysphoric arousal." (1)

Pronoia: The Optimistic Belief that People 
Like You, and Conspire in Your Favor

Another new study finds when performing stressful tasks, optimistic people are better at perseverance, and also have lower levels of the stress hormone, cortisol. (Lower levels of cortisol are correlated with happiness and positive affect.) (2)

So jump on the positivity bandwagon to stay happy and healthy!

(1) Birkeland, M. S., Blix, I., Solberg, Ø., & Heir, T. (2017). Does optimism act as a buffer against posttraumatic stress over time? A longitudinal study of the protective role of optimism after the 2011 Oslo bombing. Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice, And Policy, 9(2), 207-213. doi:10.1037/tra0000188

(2) Binsch, O., Van Wietmarschen, H., & Buick, F. (2017). Relationships between cortisol, optimism, and perseverance measured in two military settings. Military Psychology, 29(2), 99-116. doi:10.1037/mil0000146

Martial Arts for the Mind - say, what?

What do we mean by the term "Martial Arts for the Mind"™?

Know nothing at all about martial arts? Oh, c'mon. You've seen a Jackie Chan movie, right? No? How 'bout the Karate Kid? Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon? Kung Fu Panda?

Even if movies were your only exposure to the martial arts, you probably already understand some basic principles of the form.

The martial arts are philosophically grounded in theories about awareness, predictive moves, and stepping away from trouble. AiKiDo, the model we reference in AiKi Relationship Training, is particularly focused on ideas such as resisting the natural tendency to defend in the same way we're attacked. Our AiKi technique teaches communication moves such as pulling when pushed, or pushing when pulled, or -- best of all -- stepping aside to avoid relational conflict altogether.

AiKi Relationship Training coaches you in techniques to sidestep verbal attacks, avoid quarrels over silly nonsense, and tackle problems without triggering your partner.

It's a mind thing

You want to play Neo in your own life? Stay tuned to the AiKi Relationship Training channel, and we'll show you how!

An end of fighting? Really?

Well, yeah, actually.

Sometimes, when we promise clients they can actually stop fighting, forever, and build marital intimacy,* they look at us skeptically...Almost as if fighting and intimacy go hand-in-hand, rather than contradict one another.

But here's the cycle we observe with clients who use our technique: Friendship. Peace. Laughter. Intimacy. Joy. More friendship. More peace. More laughter. More intimacy. More joy.

There's a process we can get behind. Therapeutically, that is.

_____

*Intimacy: It's not necessarily a euphemism for sex. (Well, it can be. But not here, not in front of the children, please.)

What is this "AiKi" Thing?

What's the story with that weird "AiKi" word at the top of the page?

Well, set yerself down fer' a spell, and let us spin ya' a yarn:

The character 合 (pronounced Hé in Mandarin, Hap⁶ in Cantonese, and Ai (eye) in Japanese) means to join, to blend, to combine, to fit together. 

The character 氣 (pronounced Qì/Chì in Mandarin, Hei³ in Cantonese, and Ki (key) in Japanese) suggests spirit, life force, energy, breath. (This idea equates with the Hebrew word נִשְׁמַת־, nishmah, which means breath/air/spirit, and describes the life force breathed into the creation of mankind in the book of Genesis.)

Together, those two characters, Ai and Ki (eye key), suggest joining the spirit, relational harmony, and interacting with another human being, without conflict. That concept of AiKi means blending without clashing, having intimate connection without triggering your partner. 

It's the foundation of our communication training program.