Tuesday

Stop Spinning; Start Listing

Ever feel so overwhelmed -- or agitated -- that it's hard to think clearly? 

Whether it's relationship conflict, financial worries, fear, anxiety, or the stress of daily life, it's common for people under pressure to experience racing thoughts -- sometimes to an almost vertiginous degree.
That state of confused thinking actually -- and paradoxically -- creates even more confusion, anxiety and stress. Thoughts spinning out of control feel a lot like life spinning out of control.

To resolve scattered, racing thoughts we offer a practical, mindful, quick fix:

Scattered Thinking? Make a list!
Filling pages with random thoughts feels cathartic,
but clarity of thought requires lists.
Pulling out a sheet of paper (or opening a blank document) is a deliberate, conscious act that allows you to slow yourself down, and beginning a list prompts you to start organizing your thinking. 

We advocate mindfulness as a critical component of good mental health. Mindfulness improves your internal states, and produces subtle, positive mood, energy, and behavioral shifts.(1) As you mindfully create lists you begin to feel rational, calm, and confident. List-making is itself a creative act, focusing attention and stopping the mind from automatic, habitual patterns of agitated thinking. From this state it becomes possible to slow your breathing, observe yourself, calm your thinking, and stay in the moment.

Bonus: Lists become to-do lists, and when things get done, you build your sense of accomplishment -- a big part of healthy self-esteem. 

(1) Miklowitz, D. J., Alatiq, Y., Goodwin, G. M., Geddes, J. R., Fennell, M. J. V., Dimidjian, S., Hauser, M., and Williams, J. M. G. (2009). "A Pilot Study of Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy for Bipolar Disorder." International Journal of Cognitive Therapy, 2(4), 373–382.



Saturday

A Rash of Rashness

When we counsel clients in difficult relationships, one of the curious patterns we see is a tendency toward impulsivity. We've seen it so often, in fact, that we've begun to believe it may be the most malignant of all relationship behaviors. 

Impulsive people say and do hurtful things to the people they love, and tend to suffer problems at work, with law enforcement, and in completing projects. If you look back at your own regrets, you'll likely find that nearly all of them arose out of an impulsive act.

When people are able to master their impulsivity, wonderful things start to occur in their marriages: Escalation ends, hearing happens, defensiveness discontinues, and intimacy is initiated.

Impulsivity: The Root of Regret. Considered Decisions Bring Joy.

New research backs us up. A study out of the University of Georgia finds that among married couples, there is a significant correlation between high levels of impulsiveness, and low levels of marital satisfaction and commitment. Impulsivity is also correlated with high levels of verbal aggression.(1)  

Bottom line? Slowing down is a fast fix for many relationship problems. And it's a fairly easy correction: Just take a deep breath, think carefully before you speak, and watch intimacy grow! 

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(1) Lavner, J. A., Lamkin, J., & Miller, J. D. (2017). Trait Impulsivity and Newlyweds' Marital Trajectories. Journal of Personality Disorders, 31(1), 133-144. doi:10.1521/pedi_2016_30_242